LEGOLAS Owner's Guide and Manual
by lalaithien
Summary: The Owner's Guide series continues; technical specifications and owner's tips for your LEGOLAS unit! With thanks to and permission from Theresa Green.


_ **CONGRATULATIONS**!_

You are now the proud owner of a LEGOLAS! In order to obtain top performance from your Prince of Mirkwood, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

Your LEGOLAS should arrive fully assembled and in upright condition. Please check that you have all his accessories (see partial list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of LEGOLAS that you ordered, as there are two:(a) Mark I LEGOLAS (copyright Tolkien, 1954)(b) Mark II LEGOLAS (copyright Jackson/Bloom, 2001)

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _LEGOLAS_

Type: _Elf (male, of High-Elven extraction)_

Manufacturers:_ Thranduil and Spouse, Greenwood/Mirkwood Enterprises, Ltd._

Date of Manufacture: _Indeterminate_

Height: _5 feet 11 inches_

Weight: _145 lbs_

Length: _Data not available but guaranteed satisfactory_

Power Output: _Dual Voltage with Automatic Pumping Action and Instant Recharge_

Colour:

Mk I LEGOLAS dark hair with grey eyes

Mk II LEGOLAS pale blonde hair with blue eyes

(Note: should you wish to change your LEGOLAS's colouring contact lenses are available from WETA LTD.)

**ACCESSORIES**

Your LEGOLAS unit will be shipped fully clad to you in a protective crate. Although originally shipped in his Council of Elrond garb he comes with a wide range of accessories, including bow, quiver, long knives, and additional outfits for hours of dress-up fun.

Your LEGOLAS unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of pristinely groomed. However, it is recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will ensure proper lubrication of your LEGOLAS unit and will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional. (See the _Frequently Asked Questions _section of this manual for more information regarding this procedure.)

CAUTION Married/committed LEGOLAS owners **must** ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile hunting etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your LEGOLAS has been designed to be user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or Sindarin. You may also choose to teach your LEGOLAS commands in different languages. You will find your LEGOLAS is skilled with tongues and performance should prove satisfactory.

Apart from the aesthetic value of your LEGOLAS as a fine example of elegant Sindarin masculinity, he can be utilised in several capacities about the house and garden:

Tutor:

Your LEGOLAS unit has walked the ways of Middle-Earth for many, many, many years and therefore possesses a vast store of knowledge on matters vegetable, animal, mineral, philosophical, and martial.

Translator:

Your LEGOLAS's knowledge of multiple languages will enable you to listen with enjoyment to the previously largely unexplored realm of Sindarin opera. CAUTION As Elves are accustomed to longer life-spans than Men, their operas are naturally longer than their human counterparts. The longest on record, Das Ring der LittleHobbiten, takes three hundred sixty years, four months, and three days to perform. It is recommended that you begin with shorter works, such as The Marriage of Figwit, which take only a year or two to complete.

Alternate Light Source:

Your LEGOLAS has been equipped with the ability to spontaneously glow, providing a handy alternate source of light for power outages or when you simply want a novel change in your ambient lighting.

Storyteller:

Your LEGOLAS unit comes pre programmed with several thousand poems and tales in his memory data banks. He will provide a suitable atmosphere for dinner, bedtime, or any other occasion. Caution: your LEGOLAS has been known to go into bouts of spouting nonsensical rhyme and other silliness. (See _Frequently Asked Questions_ section for more information.) If you anticipate this being an annoyance, we recommend disabling this feature as your LEGOLAS has been known to spontaneously switch.

Physical Activities Director:

Your LEGOLAS unit, as an Elven archer, is accustomed to bouts of intense physical activity. Put this seemingly boundless energy to good use and keep your LEGOLAS from idleness by providing him with all sorts of physical activities. These activities can range anywhere from gourmet cooking - you will find your LEGOLAS quite adept at souffle-making - to intense bedspring testing, and will keep your LEGOLAS in good spirits and properly fit and toned.

**PRECAUTIONS**

Do not expose your LEGOLAS to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, or excessive humidity. Exposure to GIMLI units is not recommended unless you have previously disabled the SLASH setting on your LEGOLAS unit.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your LEGOLAS is compatible with most other Elves, Wizards, Men, and Hobbits. However caution should be exercised with using a Mk II LEGOLAS in conjunction with Dwarves unless you have an ARAGORN unit nearby to provide cautionary warnings and Rangerly wisdom.

**CLEANING**

The following grooming regimen should be followed on a daily basis. It will provide hours of fun for the entire family, or at the very least A Diversion for the discerning female:

Comb/plait hair.

Clean fingernails.

Shower whole LEGOLAS unit.

Change tunic/shirt/leggings/cloak.

Upon completion of the cleaning procedure, dry your LEGOLAS by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.

(It has been brought to our attention that the LEGOLAS is easier to keep clean without these trappings. While this is true, you may wish to keep him indoors in this condition unless you want to have the neighbours talk.)

**REPROGRAMMING**

The Mk II LEGOLAS can be issued with revised 'Extended Edition' programming from November 2002/2003. Please see your local video store for details. This will enhance your LEGOLAS's compatibility with other models, especially Dwarves.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q: **Do you offer a trial period?

**A: **Our company policies have changed. Unfortunately, due to the high incidence of abducted LEGOLAS units, we can no longer offer a trial period for any merchandise.

**Q: **My LEGOLAS refuses to get in the bathtub. What is the matter, and how do I execute the proper lubrication/cleaning procedures?

**A: **Your pointy-eared Elven princeling is unaccustomed to requiring baths to maintain a general state of cleanliness, as ELF units come issued with a standard nonstick coating causing dirt to roll off in the manner of water off a duck's back. Try suggesting that it is a new sort of boat that only an Elvish sense of balance can manage. This should tickle his ego enough to get him into the bathtub. You may wish to climb in the bathtub with him to ensure he is properly lathered.

**Q:** Can I take my LEGOLAS to the zoo?

**A:** Technically, you can take your LEGOLAS to the zoo. (May is another matter.) By all means avoid the elephant paddock, however, as the sight of large tusked beasts will invariably provoke the ARROW BOW FIRE response sequence which may prove fatal to the elephant (and to your LEGOLAS if the security guards catch him).

**Q: **My LEGOLAS disappears for days at a time. When he returns, the only account he will give of his activities is that he went to find the Sun, but that she was too busy to speak to him. What's wrong with him, and what's he _really _doing?

**A:** You have most likely been issued with a Mk I LEGOLAS. His ability to spout all sorts of nonsense with utter confidence is well documented and unshakeable. However, we can offer the small comfort that your LEGOLAS is telling you the truth. While we cannot issue a replacement LEGOLAS unit, we suggest that you download the Peter Jackson Update for your LEGOLAS. This will update his programming to the Mk II software and make him much less likely to say things of this nature, although due to his colouring he will still occasionally have Blonde Moments.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem:** Your LEGOLAS sits in the garden, sailing a toy boat in the goldfish pond and weeping morosely.

**Solution:** Your LEGOLAS has been exposed to the Sea and has developed a SEALONGING malfunction. There is currently no remedy for this. The only solution is to take him for a seaside holiday, or perhaps to Sea World, although it is _strongly _recommended that you take his bow and arrows away from him prior as the company cannot be held liable for animals damaged by your LEGOLAS' natural tendency to shoot aquatic beasts. By all means do not let your LEGOLAS board any boats on his own, as the company cannot be held liable to issue replacements for lost LEGOLAS units due to them sailing away.

**Problem:** You took your LEGOLAS unit to the opera. He refused to translate any of the words, and his only excuse was "I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near."

**Solution : **Unfortunately this is a quirk inherent in your LEGOLAS unit. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those delightful little eccentricities that make him so charming. Alternately, try taking him to a less depressing entertainment, such as "The Sound of Music." You will find your LEGOLAS unit is very fond of A Diversion every now and then.

**Problem:** Your LEGOLAS's blonde locks have gone black and he has taken to prancing about in a blue sarong that shows off his admirably tanned toned torso.

**Solution: **Check your LEGOLAS unit's label. It is possible that you have been accidentally issued with a PARIS unit from "Troy". Mix-ups of this nature are not uncommon considering that both units are extremely skilled in archery and decidedly less in dialogue. Unfortunately the company does not offer returns or exchanges for any reason. On the plus side, _YOU HAVE ACCIDENTALLY BEEN ISSUED WITH A PARIS UNIT_. **Quit complaining! **(If the PARIS unit is completely unsatisfactory to you, you may put him up for auction on eBay and turn a tidy profit.)

**FINAL NOTE**

Your LEGOLAS unit is guaranteed against defect for 6,342,000 months. Should you wish to purchase the optional extended warranty contact the manufacturer. If all procedures in this manual are followed meticulously your LEGOLAS unit should provide you with many years of satisfaction.


End file.
